Unrelenting motion of Time

I woke up last night around 2 having dreamt something probably action-packed and cool. But with a feeling of dread. My mind started racing and the feeling of dread grew stronger.

Usually I can't remember what I was thinking 5 minutes ago, but below is what I thought, remembered and wrote down. Its about being in control of the present.

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Daily life (career, social) is like having a small hummingbird flying beside me. And its my guide and its been with me for as long as I remember. And I follow it from glory to glory and I always have and I've prayed that I always will.

And it doesn't stop and I marvel at its steadfast nature. And if it were possible, I'd hold its hand and feel safe. But I talk to it, sharing my observations of the wonder that is life and love and earth and hope and friends and family... So many beautiful things and they're all here for me to to gaze at and play with and love.

Until the first time I trustingly, childishly naïvely muttered something like, "my shoe-laces have come undone, wait for me, please.." And there was no reply. In fact, there was no measurable response.

And I tried to stop. Because I thought I could. But I didn't. And I'm bent down on one knee and I've put my head down and my fingers were trying to grab the laces. But my body doesn't stop moving!

And that's when I really looked and realized that the hummingbird was beautiful - and very mechanic. And maybe I'm not walking beside it and its isn't moving but keeping me in the same place and everything else is moving. And if I trip or stop it will drag me like a dog tied to a car.

And I don't care if its me moving or actually everything else. Cos that's like asking your screaming, waking child which color running shoes she was wearing in the dream. Its very, very irrelevant when she thought she couldn't get away. From the mechanics of it all.

And until then I'd thought that I was important, that I was significant. And maybe I still am - but its a machine. Because its automated and it never stops. And there's no mercy and no grace. No hall pass or relief and when you close your eyes you fall.

But you learn to pick yourself up, regain your balance while being dragged by the throat. And what a small consolation that is. Because you know that its just survival. At the next beautiful but steep climb or serene creek you're going to have to keep up across the difficult terrain.

But who set hummingbird-speed to 5 km/h? Everybody else did. Cause "its a leisurely pace" and "everybody can walk 5 km/h, its a normal walking pace" and they're right. But its infinitly too fast when you stop. Lie down. And hold someone. And sleep.

Cos there's a time for everything under the sun. A time to sleep and a time to walk. And walking time is weekdays 9-22. Sat 10-18. Sleep is for Sundays. Unless you're a church-goer. Then sleeping time is when you die and go to Heaven. The Eternal Holiday.

Backing tracks

For the last couple of weeks I've been craving new music. Seems like my old stash ran out. Something ballsy, tough. Manly. With a heavy beat, dirty strings and an dudy singing about epic stuff. Earlier today I got to wondering why. Why I've been craving it so badly. Seems that I've stopped being able to get hyped er excited about anything. Sure, I can recognize that something's neat or cool, brilliant or even amazing. But I don't get infatuated with anything anymore. I can't fall in love with it anymore. Which is reflective of how I feel about my own music. I've stopped feeling it. Reminds me of when I was in my teens and how I'd wish that certain "scenes" of my life, present and past, had a beautiful backing track to them. Like a well put together movie scene! To emphasize the passion, the vivacious and heart-wrenching beauty and despair of the ups and downs. I've come to realise (not peace) with life being a string of more or less dull moments that I seem somewhat detached from. Life does not have a backing track. But it is supposed to be engulfing anyways, right?

111110: Doha, Qatar

This is a small country on the western shore of the Persian Gulf. I read somewhere yesterday that Qatar actually only has 140,000 nationals. At first I baulked at this having googled Doha and seen lots of skyscrapers and other material achievements, but upon driving away from the airport in a cab chauffeured by an Indian fellow, it dawned on me: even the Qatar Airlines flight that I'd flown in on was staffed by a striking mix of nationalities, the airport staff was also an ethnic mix and even the janitors were not Arabic. I'd described to the Indian cab-driver that I was just on a stop-over and that my next plane was leaving that evening, so I just wanted cafés, restaurants and shopping facilities (a.k.a. public safety for this my first time in this region of the world). Laptop low on battery, but the short of the long is that it seems that the entire Qatari blue-collar work force is comprised of Arabs and Asians on 4-year work visas, and to quote the Filippino lady in the Levi's store: " [Qataris] are born rich, so now they never work. They don't do anything!"

But it is quite a sky-line nonetheless!

Picture illustration here

020910: mockery, gossip and complaining

Note: The title of each post refers to the date on which I wrote it, in this case the 2nd of September, 2010. This is for several reasons: I can work on a post over several days without it becoming antiquated, the post isn't antiquated when our internet decides to shut down and.. -I can be put up an older post, when I can't be bothered writing a new one although its been a while ;)

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Today was a strenuous day in more ways than one. Every morning we meet in the Section (Company -> Platoon -> Section) to get an overview of the work that has to be done that day. This morning there was a call for volunteers to assist our Supply/Depot Section and I put up my hand along with 4 others. Turns out we were to sort and stack 45kg curb stones outdoors. T'was hot. On the bright side, I did get a good farmers' tan ;)

Talking to a good friend from my first platoon we came to the realisation that conversations between us privates rarely take place without being centered on some form of mockery, gossip or complaining. My personal opinion is that we are all quite young and travel around in large packs where only the most vociferous and quick remarks are heard. Given a year of this form of socialising, we have refined "the art" of mindless and crude jestings. Although it is very, very rarely mean spirited it is none the less taxing not to be able to have sincere or humble conversations whenever in need or want. This is quite different from the Faculty of Theology where humility and openness were the status quo.

010910: Camp Naqoura, UNIFIL HQ

I've decided to keep a journal ("diary" sounds too girly ;) during my mission here in Lebanon. As well as it being for the sake of you friends and family, it is also for my own sake as diary-blogging has proved a great and accessible way for me to remember where and what I've been - and when.

I figure its also a good way to steer clear of the entrapments of newsletters, which quickly become mundane for all parts and come to carry the stench of obligation with them. Even better you can reach me in two ways: 1) drop an easy-going and quick comment on this blog or 2) write me an e-mail or a fb-quickie.

It should be noted that these blog-entries will be quite unspecific at times due to operational safety concerns. While it is a very peaceful mission, its still a mission and safety measures have to be taken into account. Also, I expect that my writings will be focused on my personal experience of my stay and not on the operational aspect.

Facts:
I'm part of UNIFIL which in summary is a peacekeeping mission in Southern Lebanon along the northern border of Israel. UN-forces have been in this place since 1978 so the Lebanese have grown quite used to our presence by now. Our 'shift' started in the beginning of August and will last to somewhere around Jan/Feb.

More specifically, I'm part of the Danish contingency, DANLOG, which is a logistical company who drive soldiers to the airport (in Beyrouth) with all their gear and equipment, manage the fuel supply, manage the construction-supply depot and support the mess-staff. I drive one of the busses here - an 18-seater with an engine that brings to mind a hamster in one of those wheels in a cage..

Today's activities:
I started of the day early, driving the French basketball team to a tournament hosted by Ghanians/Ghanese../soldiers from Ghana. They played the South Koreans and were felled by a whimsically petty referee. The South Koreans were surprisingly tall though! All this was too the enticing rhythms of some of the Ghanese/Ghanian (help?) soldiers' drums and shakers that they played for a straight 2 hours. Dancing, singing. Fun :)

Drove the French back through some crazy back roads with surprising bumps, turns and mountains and had lunch and an hour's nap (our sergeant only told us of the assignment late last night.)
Played Tekken 6 (got whipped by a techie-nerdy guy) for a solid 1½ hours.

Practiced guitar and went for a semi-late dinner at the French camp's restaurant. Helped my driving partner, Øksnebjerg, wash and clean the bus and headed to the fitness area for a crazy session of cross-fit. Its a form of fitness based on own body-weight which focuses on circulation and not muscle size - although it helps on that too ;) Felt like my dinner was gonna revisit our land of the living a couple of times.

Enough, its 0030 hours and I need my sleep. Tomorrow I expect will be another in a long series of days of "Operation Clean Camp". Its construction work. Tearing down stuff to rebuild it, removing unnatural and unwanted rocks and generally just making our camp look nice.

Also, this fist-sized moth buzzing around is starting to freak me out..

Revelation vs. Science

This is an extract of a mail I wrote to an old friend, who confronted me with my current life style. It turned out that my life style was not the subject of my reply, rather the (constructed) faith-science divide.

I post this for the sake of feedback: am I wrong? Am I missing something?

Here goes:

"I think it is self-contradictory to write the line "believe the Bible is the litteral Word of God ... it can be easily proven... beyond any shadow of doubt." Belief is not proven as they address two different spheres of existence. I have no doubt that God can interfere with the physical and natural laws of nature but to despise scientists because they do not operate on the basis of belief in God is ludicrous! Observation > hypothesis > experimentation > thesis is the only way to do science! How can you do maths if you do not assume (on the basis of observation) that 2+2=4 because of some archaic notion that God will always provide 5000 loaves and fish from 12 of each. At some point, charismatic Christians are going to have to accept that description is not contrary to revelation because it never claims to be (except some fanatics in the other ditch). I really don't see why God would create a world only to contradict it, in other words: if nature is God's handiwork, of course we can describe it to discover the recurring patterns and underlying dynamics. Consequently, I doubt that Genesis' intention was a detailed description of creation, but rather a poetic rendition of God's insanely awesome power of structure and imagination!

I've found that there is no contradiction between faith and science. Science's only goal is to describe and hypothesise about the physical - to describe. Faith's role is not to explain that which is left unexplained, but rather to describe that which cannot be described, explain the inexplicable, fantasize about the unfathomable, poetically describe the indescribable God and His works. There is a grander, greater reality behind warring science and knowledge. Don't shun opportunities to realize God's Kingdom in all of your social relations as they are always a choice between Love and Hate, closeness and distance!

..whoa, this really is a big "can of worms" ;) I won't pretend to have answers but I'm in a process and in this process I find it almost crazy to shun knowledge and explanations because of the fear of doubt. Albeit banal, I liken it to growing up being seasoned into the belief that Earth is flat and not accepting knowledge or explanation in fear of it being wrong. Banal, yes, but still fear of explanations seems.. -yes, dumbing!"

Journey to Love

I seldom realise that I have been on a journey until I look back and realise that I moved. It is good to be on a journey. We are not meant to stand still. We are meant to move - ourselves and others. But if you have never moved, you cannot move others. How good it is, then, that we all move.

But for some reason moving frightens us. I guess we attach ourselves to our familiar surroundings, routines and most of all fears. I do not think that we fully realise how much of what we do and do not do is determined through our fear. Then we abandon natural friendship with our dream and trusting naïvety for a constant, never alarming cohesion with fear, thus keeping our enemy too close.

The inconveniently (for us who have befriended fear) convenient (for those of us seeking freedom) reality of fear is that it is a very fragile thing. Actually, its not even "a thing". Well, actually fear is nothing. We just don't know it. If this were an American movie the old man guiding the main character would say, that "fear's only in your head."

The only thing keeping fear alive is us. It is, so to speak, a man-made construction. To make it worse, its a construction based on linear time. (I'm not really sure what I'm getting myself into here, but I've thought about it for a long time - might still be wrong, but if no one tells me, I'll probably never know.) If we didn't ascribe value to our past "hurts", we wouldn't fear their being repeated in the future. Which would leave us engaged only in our present.

If we were only engaged in our present, there would be nothing holding us back from: Love. Unity.

And finally I arrive at the thought which sparked this long mental exercise: Love is not an effort or will to unify. Love is to not dis-unite in the first place.

Challenge

I haven't been challenged on my person, my character, for a long time. Tonight, though, is one of those challenges. And it isn't fun, growing. I stand between the choice of dwelling in the pain, turning my frustration onto that which is outside my control or dealing with my reaction, my frustration, inside myself.

In these situations I find it helpful to map out which areas within a relationship is my responsibility and which is not. The area within my sphere of control, my responsibility area, must be dealt with by myself, must be addressed by me. If I don't assume control of this area, it assumes control of me by turning into an area of bitterness, darkness. And so, when coming across this area, I will always feel pain (and eventually numbness) if I don't assume control of it.

The areas outside of my control are interesting as well, as they are the actions of others. This is essentially the same as the circumstances which I find myself in. I can't control these - only react to them! It is this reaction which is within my control and this I must control.

But its hard as it isn't solely a mental exercise ("don't think about pink elephants!") but a searching of the soul, not allowing the soul to dwell on the pain or in the darkness but continually bending my entire being, my entire perception of 'reality', towards Good - maintaining an intent focus on Beauty, Truth and Life. Letting myself be infuriated with my weakness and then letting go of Past and Future and letting myself exist now: I am the Ivan of the Present. Past is what I allow it to be, Future is never Present: I am Now. I am never Ivan the (past/future) Failure for I cannot cease to exist outside of this naked and time-independent Present.

Perspectives on Aid

When 16, my parents took our family to Indonesia to do aid-work. It was then I was first faced with the complexity of trying to help: what signals does it send? Does it imply to the receivers of aid that you (and the rest of the world) view them as powerless? -and that you (and the rest of the world) have all power to change them? How do you avoid the total dependency of the community, on however large a scale, on aid? What is the west's motivation? -is it guilt money? The problems continue to form a very, very long list.

Its been long since this has been on my mind, but through podcasting "Speaking of Faith" I listened to an interview with an African journalist, Binyavanga Wainaina, who is a recognized voice on this issue. In satirical style, he wrote an article as a tip-sheet for wester journalists on how to write about Africa. Here's an excerpt:

"Broad brushstrokes throughout are good. Avoid having the African characters laugh, or struggle to educate their kids, or just make do in mundane circumstances. Have them illuminate something about Europe or America in Africa.
Describe, in detail... dead bodies. Or, better, naked dead bodies. And especially rotting naked dead bodies. Remember, any work you submit in which people look filthy and miserable will be referred to as the ‘real Africa’, and you want that on your dust jacket. Do not feel queasy about this: you are trying to help them to get aid from the West.
Animals, on the other hand, must be treated as well rounded, complex characters. They speak (or grunt while tossing their manes proudly) and have names, ambitions and desires. They also have family values: see how lions teach their children? Elephants are caring, and are good feminists or dignified patriarchs. So are gorillas. Never, ever say anything negative about an elephant or a gorilla."

Read the full article here.

Listen to the one hour-long, in-depth interview from here.

Check this out

A friend of mine from theology (study) just started blogging - so if you're any good at Danish (and you need something to reflect upon) check it out at www.neutral0000.blogspot.com (trancendental name, yah?).

en france

I'm in France. Getting used to an English keyboard (only slightly different than a Danish but my own insufficiency never fails to frustrate me). More exactly I'm in Villefranche-sur-Mer just east of Nice (southwestern coast of France - the Riviera). Its absolutely stunning here. The old part of the city is breath taking, and seeing 'for sale' signs outside the most charming apartments is driving me mad. I want to move here, but my choice of studying theology (low pay) has pretty much killed those dreams. Actually it hasn't killed the dreams as much as the prospects.

The other night we went drinking. Got unusually drunk by the harbor with the owner, staff and friends of a bar we stumbled into that evening. I've never had a hang over like that one / spent one full day sleeping, drinking water and eating salts and sugars to try and re-hydrate. -unsuccessfully so, cos I had a headache until next (this) morning.

I'm here with my family except my older sister and her hubbie (she likes to call him that). My mom is absolutely taken with the riviera stretch. My dad, usually the great saver, is being unusually large about gas, living and holidaying expenses. I've gone on my usual spending spree (bought an expensive jacket in Monaco) and my younger sister (steph) is craving for shopping. My parents and her went to Nice yesterday, so she must've gotten it settled.

This place is beautiful. Full of good people (this is the foreigners' hangout) and I wanna get a job here. I should probably wait with such plans until I've got my bachelor (2 years) but I wanna do it now! -dang! Maybe I should come here for a summer. Dunno.. I had a good talk with the new owner (Chris - English fella) and I reckon I could land a job here. But no, better not think about it.

I should go now. Left my brother at a table. Plenty of pix coming up on my myspace profile in a week's time or so.

review of blog-entries (procrastination)

Blogging's great for someone in their teens through to their twenties. -not that it isn't for older and younger too, but it definitely is for someone my age. I just re-read a heap of my old entries from '04 when I was in high school and its a great catalyst to get the memories going.

I was at an entirely different place then in all aspects of life: faith, relations, family. (no, not economically.. sigh) So kids out there: get a blog and start writing!

I've got exams coming up - hard ones too: oral greek, oral philosophy and an assignment in new testament. So naturally, I can't pull myself away from my computer here at home. Oh, to those who haven't found out, I've started putting my songs up on myspace! Please do comment 'cos its really hard to be objective about one's own songs. Link is:
www.myspace.com/ivansaaby

Okay okay, I'll go study now. Maybe breakfast first but then study! Tonight I'm hanging out with some of the guys from college who're great. One of them got married Saturday so we're going to his new place to hang out and watch Champions' League.

..this is just ramble, yes. I haven't written here for so long that I've lost the mojo. I'll start again now, tho.

religious pluralism

I don't know what to make of religious pluralism. Really, I debate this often with myself and deliberatly shy away when the subject is raised by self-proclaimed non-religious people, who ask if I don't think 'we all are looking at different doors to the same room.'

But tonight I watched a show by an outstandingly sharp and witty, Danish journalist, Clemen Kjærsgaard, with Desmond Tutu, nobel peace-prize winner and archbishop (I think?) of South Africa. Initially I was alarmed when he employed the elephant-metaphor (blind men touching an elephant, one saying that an elephant is comparable to a snake because he is holding the tail, the other saying that the elephant is rather like a tree because he is touching a leg) and my inner alarmbells were screaming 'pluralism'.

I don't know if it is me or the emphasis of my childhood church, but I've grown up thinking in terms of right and wrong decisions, thoughts and yes, faiths, that Moslems don't have the right faith, Jews have some of the right faith but aren't redeemed because they are missing the new covenant (Jesus) and Buddhists don't even have a faith but some truth-wise inconsequential philosophy. It's 'us and them' and it's about getting 'them' onto 'our' side.

So here's Desmond Tutu blowing my socks off saying that God is more interested in people willingly going to hell than being forced into heaven! But I think he has a point when he says Truth in plural.

If God is good and good is God (which I do believe), then people are learning about God when they are learning good. Also with love. There is no religion who can contain all the Truth about God and so I should be able to accept the truths in Islam and Buddhism without it being subvertive to my faith about God revealed through Jesus. God is revealed in all things good.

This is pretty controversial to many and the implications of this thinking can be massive. So what's your take on this?

recording sessions

I recorded my first song tonight. I'm in Copenhagen staying at a childhood friend of mine and some guys from his band, campsite, and one of them's got some recording equipment. It wasn't the best of my songs (due to technical problems) but then I can't complain. When its done (and I'm happy) I'll put it up on myspace - just to have something out. Please, if you can and feel like it, feedback on it. [smile]

We should get around to recording some other ones. I think I'm gonna start doing more about my music - just to try it out and see how far it'll go!

haughty solution - another of life's great problems

When I started studying theology at the university many warned me that it was going to be a great challenge for my personal faith in God as the Creator and Lord of all, Jesus as the Son of God and the Messiah and the Holy Spirit as God's Spirit, relevant to us in the spiritual and physical world.

But I do not see that it should be a challenge. The entire university has as it's aim to be strictly scientific in it's approach and as such there is a basic difference between the "knowledge of God" ["theology"] and actually knowing God. In my world there should be a constant, underlying rule that seperates fact and faith, as 'faith' per definition is a non-factual sphere of life and science is per se void of faith as it builds on scepticism; faith and scepticisme being opposites.

With this in mind it does not give me sleepless nights when I learn that for example modern science is quite certain that the city of Jericho (that Joshua and the rest of Israel marched around for seven days whereupon the walls collapsed) had not existed even close to the time when the Israelites allegedly were coming out of the desert, that a vast part of the Old Testament was probably written or at least radically edited under the exile in Babylon in the 6th century BC or that evolution seems more probable than creation. Is this supposed to rock my faith in God? No, because my faith in God does not rest upon how factual the Old or New Testament is or any such thing, for this would not be 'faith' but rather pseudo-science.

I believe that the proof of the saving and transforming power of Christ, the still mercy and grace of God and the furious violence of the same is personal. It must be not just be experienced, but known in the core of our being and consciousness; an area where fact, probabilities and scientific method lose relevance, for this is where only we individually and God can go.